It’s like being suddenly slammed into a wall of grief, again.
Having all my limbs stretched over a deep, dark crevasse
One foot teetering on either side
Holding this unbearable tension
Will I break and fall this time?
Or will I manage to set down one toe and gain a
Foothold in life again?
Feeling like having all you know
And think you are shredded in an instant
Not knowing which way is up
And there is nothing.
As far as the eye can see…
Like each bit of my persona, ego and various roles have
Been rapidly dismantled
And rendered meaningless in
The blink of an eye.
Dismembered. Shattered. Empty.
But a faint flicker of something
A dim, distant light of hope
That one of these days
Out of the ashes of my current
Demise of my-self
A slow, steady knitting back together
Of my Soul-pieces will begin.
One gentle moment at a time
One healing encounter in a dream
And the silk weavers of my Soul
Will begin their re-membering
And bring in newly glistening threads
Unknown to me as yet
Into the fibre of my being
So that I feel as though I am
Gradually wearing a new
Soul-outfit, from the inside-out.
One that is different to before
For one can never go back, not fully.
One that, hopefully in time
Will lead me through new doors
And in new ways
So I step into the future and
Out of the dark, deep sadness
Of the past.
But not yet.
For now I sit and wait and let the
Silk-weavers painstakingly do their work
As I stare into the vast empty nothingness
Filled with spasms of the recent past
And disembowelling sobs that at times
Leave me unable to breathe
And catch me unawares in the dark.
For now all I can do is ride these waves
And wait at the shoreline
For a new dawn to arrive.
Angela Dunning, 11 December 2017