Today I wept for all the unlived lives
For all the roads not taken
For fear of failure and being found out
For being a fraud and not good enough.

Today I wept for the bruises inflicted to my body and my soul
For all those I gave myself out of despair and rage
For all those I allowed others to throw my way
As I’d learned early on to do
To keep the peace and smile
To laugh when really I wanted to scream and hit back.

Today I wept for all the times I’ve stopped and turned back
For all the lost opportunities to shine
And to put my gifts out into the light
For all the times I’ve hidden inside
And not let my creativity out.

Today I wept for all the years spent in suffering
For all the long, long years that have passed
While I, a mere bystander, stood out
And while others took life by the horns
I instead, remained in bed
Sick and alone, imagining what life could be like…

Today I wept for the loss of love in my life
For all the missed lovers, for fear of, what?
For all the badly chosen lovers instead
For all the resulting loss of desire
Born out of fear and dread.

Today I wept for all the brutality in my life
Mostly self-inflicted
In a vain attempt to make up for
All the lack of nurturing
And the pain I had felt back then
When I didn’t even know I was in pain.

Today I wept for all the lives lost to wars
To all the suffering by man’s own hands to his own
For all the countless pointless conflicts
That rage in man’s heart so fiercely
That all he can do is unleash them on his brethren.

Today I wept and allowed my flesh to soften
And I let my body tell me what she knows instead
And in so doing, I allowed my heart to unfold her secrets too
To allow my soul to whisper:
“No more; enough.
Time now to mend, to relax and explore
Time to experience a little bit more”.

And, after I had wept
I found I could stand just that little bit taller
With grace and surrender
With a knowing acceptance that:
This is my life
Amor fati
Amor fati.

And that as long as I can let my tears flow
As long as I can keep looking ahead
Breathing with each step
I will be okay.

Angela Dunning, 20th January 2019
Artwork: “Soul and Tears” by Laurel Burch

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