Regret

Regret, poetry, personal growth, Angela Dunning, The Feminine, Patriarchy

I wish I could have caught it
As it flew out of my mouth
As the words mid-flight
Were leaving my lips
I knew what I’d said was wrong.

One more violation to the Feminine
One more time of letting down
Every girl and woman
And of course, myself
One more self-destructive barb
Inflicted on my precious Feminine Soul.

If only I could have stopped it
If only I had not been so tired
And not present to the words
That came out – from me, yes
But not from the real me.

Like a seed, no
More like a poisonous pill
We’ve been made to swallow and digest
Until it fills every fibre of our being
I espouse the lies I’ve heard
So often, so normal
So normal!
I can barely recongise
Their destruction
And the insidious truth
Of how Patriarchy tries
To silence all women
And all feeling in men.

Oh how I’ve swallowed the shit
Absorbed all the lies
The put-downs and despise
Of the Beautiful Feminine.

You see I grew up in a man’s world
Even though more than half my family were women
This is how Patriarchy works
It infects both sexes
Like a disease, it gets under the skin
Into our brains
And flies our of our mouths
When we’re not paying attention.

Its aim is to keep us asleep
So we let fly all the shit
That’s been forced down our throats
That’s burnt into our ears
And seared into our eyes
Waiting to be regurgitated
In an unconscious spew
Of vileness and hate.

To my shame, my receiver
A gentle kind man
Stopped dead in his tracks
As he, subjected now too
Couldn’t believe his ears
The look of surprise
I’ll bet he’s never had such a thought
But I’ll give him his due
He batted it away, into the ether
To be composted anew.

Yes I have my regrets
And my tears finally came through
In recognition of my role
Of perpetuating the myth
The badly sown story
That women are vile
To be disregarded
Like trash.

With a heavy heart
I feel the pain
In my body and in all women
And I humbly atone
To every woman and man
For playing my part
I will try anew tomorrow.

© Angela Dunning, 9 October 2016

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