North fab headshot

I can see it all now
It all starts to make sense
This addictive behaviour
Is a mask, a fence
Built around my true feelings
No longer obscures
My vision of this truth
All at once, I see clearly.

Locked away in my heart
Deep inside this cocoon
Is my pain and my loss
My sacrifice of you
My letting you go
With the odds stacked against.

To escape I threw
Myself into glamour, glitz and dare
Thrilling adventures
Non-stop whirling feet
Illicit encounters
Too many to repeat.

But with all that now gone
Laid bare there’s space to feel
The tremendous wrench and tear
Of this gaping hole
And this tear in my Soul
I face myself at last.

I lie down on my bed
And slowly unzip
The tightly rusted fastening
Holding it all inside
I pull down the zipper
Scared but no choice
To unlock my bound heart
And feel the pain unleash
My chest starts to crack
A little at a time
Unbearable agony
Will I survive this?

Tears start to pour
From my eyes hot and sore
Ribs start to ache
As my grief starts to pour
Out of this chasm
Into the night
Lit by the full moon
I ask God: “Please send him back”.

I see it now
More clearly there comes relief
To make sense of my complusion
And to know why it had to end
To give me this time
To slowly go within
To stop seeking solace
In a falsely mocking grin.

My head it feels heavy
From the crying and the pain
And my body lies listless
Time to rest and regain
My interest in life
Once more but without
My dearly beloved, handsome
North Star.

© Angela Dunning, 5 April 2015

Both photos courtesy of Lucy Lee, Instinct Media Limited
Both photos courtesy of Lucy Lee, Instinct Media Limited , https://instinctfilms.wordpress.com/web-video/equine-reflections-for-self-development/
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