I build my feminine container
Strengthening her day by day
Little by little she grows in musculature and bone
Building strength and power
Able now to hold me upright more easily
Less and less do I collapse or need to lean and fall
Back into unconsciousness.
Now. I can feel her growing in size
Filling out
A new sensation of… Wait, what’s this?
Ah yes. Firmness. Both within and without.
Holding me upright
Carrying my height and weight now
Finding my ground beneath my feet
And my standpoint in life.
She feels less likely to bend so easily now
In the breeze of others’ needs and longings
Less likely to sway with uncertainty or self-doubt.
Yet, please don’t mistake all this hard work.
I am building my container not to please you
Not to make me easier on your eye
No.
I am building her to please me.
To love me. To express my love for me.
To find for the first time in this lifetime
A strength I’ve never felt before
A power
And a vessel to hold me
To contain and envelope me
Separating me from you
This feels so essential for my growth now
To prevent the unconscious merging
That pulls me outside of my own being-ness
And into a place of pleasing-ness.
I know too that, when she is ready
She will let in the light
But not yet. She’s not there yet.
There is more building still
More careful firing and glazing to be done
Deeper foundations are needed
Down into my feet, my legs and my pelvis
Connecting me to Mother Earth
To the depths of the core of my feminine being.
As yet, she is incomplete
And that’s okay, she’s my work in progress
Little by little, flesh and psyche dance
Each one taking it in turn to lead or follow
In this interplay of healing.
So long my neglected body carried me
Or at least, she tried to in vain
No more.
Now we dance together.
Through the highs and lows of this sometimes agonising craftwork
For in order to build a sturdy vessel
I must feel my pain
I must go into the core of my wounding
And let the tears fall
Only then it is possible to keep building
To craft the next layer
And the next
And the next…
Angela Dunning, 4 December 2018
