Dismantling

Truly, it feels like hell.
As layer by layer is scrapped off,
my ego squirms and resists
railing against the change
that’s coming as sure
as the East wind blows in a chill…

Being broken down, dismembered
piece by sullied piece.
Killers, thieves, rapists and worse
come dancing into my dreams
night and after long night…

There’s not much I can do.
“I”; my lonely, powerless ego
except surrender to these ways,
and try, try to keep two feet on Mother Earth,
holding on for all I’m worth
as these nightly battles commence
in the seams of my Soul.

Holding on to the fragments of hope,
peace and joy, like lifebuoys they keep
me afloat, keep my head above water
so to speak, legs dangling in the deep,
praying that this too shall pass.

And I know that it will
for I’ve been here before,
in the deep.
And the dark…
Dreading sleep
and the aching head when I wake
and the pounding heart.

And so, like the life raft of my Soul,
my tears slowly flow down my cheeks,
as piece by piece I see glimpses of what
previously was so dark,
my blindness to the truth deep inside.

Re-framing my past, releasing at last
those cemented beliefs, and the relief that
floods in, like a shaft of bright sunlight
piercing my heart, I stumble around
in my new found ways, unsure and unsteady
each single step a momentous success.

I don’t know where I’m going
but I just hold on, trusting my inner
guide, my truest, best friend,
whose companied each night
by my animal friends,
my heart feels a flicker of warmth
as I steady myself in the soft feel of their
fur, and calm steady gaze, bringing me Home.

And so it is and so it always was thus,
That I know each layer is well spent.

Angela Dunning, 22nd April 2020

Artwork by Remedios Varo.